Wednesday, June 18, 2008
'Get A Bike, And Make Sure It Only Has One Gear'
The Anti-Fixed Gear Manifesto
Fixed gear cycling has proven to be one of the hottest new trends in the two wheeled world. Propaganda fabricated by fixed gear extremists and zealots makes exorbitant claims about "the connection" riders feel to their bicycles when riding with the deprecated and obsolete technology. Many attempt to hide the fact that fixed gear is extremely outdated and has been superceded by new, safer technologies (i.e.: brakes, helmets). While these claims are obviously false, the structure of the fixed gear community allows such lies to proliferate like wildfire. The fixed gear community is largely intertwined with the likes of window smashing anarchists and vegan extremists. It's no wonder you will find these fixed gear fascists imposing their beliefs on day to day cyclists. I will recount one story from a disgruntled motorist from Richmond, Virginia:
"I was taking my kids to soccer practice when one of these maniacs came speeding down the street and skidding into the intersection on one of their primitive bicycles. The young punk lost control while trying to show off to some hipster looking females and smashed into my 2001 Dodge Caravan. The maniac then proceeded to curse at me and swing a "U-Lock" [Editor's Note: The u-lock is favorite among fixed gear extremists for its ability to be wielded as a weapon and it has been immortalized in the song "U-Lock Justice, by the band "R.A.M.B.O."] in the air as if it was my fault. As if this was not enough he told me to 'get a bike, and make sure it only has one gear'. I didn't really understand what he meant about the gears until I met up with a support group in my city that has been started to deal with these terrorists."
Our streets are no longer safe when twenty-something's attempt to rule the road and inculcate our children with fixed gear propaganda. This is a declaration of war. We must fight these bike-nazis at every turn (pun intended).
It is rumored that the secret leader of these fanatics is a middle-aged bearded man going by the moniker Sheldon Brown. This shadowy overlord has helped to foster the fixed gear community by giving step by step instructions on how to build these death-cycles. Thanks to Mr. Brown we have kids speeding around on converted Peugeot's and classic Italian collectables. Other big names in the fixed gear cult/scene are punk-rock bands like R.A.M.B.O. who openly supports the destruction of the United States Government through bicycle militias.
Data is still sparse, but popular hot-spots and bases-of-operation for the fixed gear agenda appear to be Portland (codename "PDX"), Oregon; San Francisco, California; and New York City. Other red zones can be found in Virginia and North Carolina. These are only the most concentrated areas however and the fixed gear trend is on its way to exploding into a global threat.
How to spot a fixed gear operative: due to their close ties to the punk-rocker community, you can find fixed gear riders sporting cut off military fatigues, Dickies that are cut off to look like high-waters, military-esque headwear, and various t-shirts promoting their way of life. It is almost a de-facto standard that all fixed gear cult members be heavily tattooed and pierced in multiple locations.
Tactics: It is very common to find fixed gear agents performing what is called a "track stand" at intersections to prove their superiority to just about everyone they come in contact with. This is a potential Achilles' Heel due to the limited balance one has while performing a track stand. It should be obvious that this is a good time to strike at them. Another less direct tactic would be an attempt to monopolize the bicycle-messaging industry as nearly all bicycle messengers adhere to the fixed gear dogma; by taking a considerable chunk out of this industry we could force a good number of them into working under us. Then it would be as simple as initializing the deprogramming of their "one-gear minds." Note: Sabotage of their braking systems will not work as they do not use braking systems in attempt to be "more hardcore" than average riders.
The streets have been turned into battle grounds and it is hard for traditional cyclists to come out of their house's in respectable cycling attire (i.e.: jersey, spandex, helmet, etc.) without being subjected to a barrage of insults and one-gear propaganda. Our children are threatened by these extremists who would probably go so far as to torch the training wheels off a child's bike to teach it to "ride like a man." The attitudes of the fixed gear army are downright despicable and unfortunately this conflict can only be resolved through bloodshed. It's time for cyclists to stand up and fight against the legions of fixed gear radicals. If you don't believe me, see for yourself at your local bike shop. It is becoming increasingly harder to find and purchase a bicycle with more than one gear and with a freewheeling hub. Now, one has to wade through thousands of eBay auctions to find a simple cassette or derailleur since the trend has become a profitable commodity for e-tailers. The true cyclist is a dying breed. Don't say I didn't warn you when you wake up one day and find that it is a crime to operate a bicycle with multiple-gears.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DISTRIBUTE THIS AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN. I FEAR TIME IS RUNNING OUT.