Wednesday, June 18, 2008

'Get A Bike, And Make Sure It Only Has One Gear'



The Anti-Fixed Gear Manifesto

Fixed gear cycling has proven to be one of the hottest new trends in the two wheeled world. Propaganda fabricated by fixed gear extremists and zealots makes exorbitant claims about "the connection" riders feel to their bicycles when riding with the deprecated and obsolete technology. Many attempt to hide the fact that fixed gear is extremely outdated and has been superceded by new, safer technologies (i.e.: brakes, helmets). While these claims are obviously false, the structure of the fixed gear community allows such lies to proliferate like wildfire. The fixed gear community is largely intertwined with the likes of window smashing anarchists and vegan extremists. It's no wonder you will find these fixed gear fascists imposing their beliefs on day to day cyclists. I will recount one story from a disgruntled motorist from Richmond, Virginia:

"I was taking my kids to soccer practice when one of these maniacs came speeding down the street and skidding into the intersection on one of their primitive bicycles. The young punk lost control while trying to show off to some hipster looking females and smashed into my 2001 Dodge Caravan. The maniac then proceeded to curse at me and swing a "U-Lock" [Editor's Note: The u-lock is favorite among fixed gear extremists for its ability to be wielded as a weapon and it has been immortalized in the song "U-Lock Justice, by the band "R.A.M.B.O."] in the air as if it was my fault. As if this was not enough he told me to 'get a bike, and make sure it only has one gear'. I didn't really understand what he meant about the gears until I met up with a support group in my city that has been started to deal with these terrorists."

Our streets are no longer safe when twenty-something's attempt to rule the road and inculcate our children with fixed gear propaganda. This is a declaration of war. We must fight these bike-nazis at every turn (pun intended).

It is rumored that the secret leader of these fanatics is a middle-aged bearded man going by the moniker Sheldon Brown. This shadowy overlord has helped to foster the fixed gear community by giving step by step instructions on how to build these death-cycles. Thanks to Mr. Brown we have kids speeding around on converted Peugeot's and classic Italian collectables. Other big names in the fixed gear cult/scene are punk-rock bands like R.A.M.B.O. who openly supports the destruction of the United States Government through bicycle militias.

Data is still sparse, but popular hot-spots and bases-of-operation for the fixed gear agenda appear to be Portland (codename "PDX"), Oregon; San Francisco, California; and New York City. Other red zones can be found in Virginia and North Carolina. These are only the most concentrated areas however and the fixed gear trend is on its way to exploding into a global threat.

How to spot a fixed gear operative: due to their close ties to the punk-rocker community, you can find fixed gear riders sporting cut off military fatigues, Dickies that are cut off to look like high-waters, military-esque headwear, and various t-shirts promoting their way of life. It is almost a de-facto standard that all fixed gear cult members be heavily tattooed and pierced in multiple locations.

Tactics: It is very common to find fixed gear agents performing what is called a "track stand" at intersections to prove their superiority to just about everyone they come in contact with. This is a potential Achilles' Heel due to the limited balance one has while performing a track stand. It should be obvious that this is a good time to strike at them. Another less direct tactic would be an attempt to monopolize the bicycle-messaging industry as nearly all bicycle messengers adhere to the fixed gear dogma; by taking a considerable chunk out of this industry we could force a good number of them into working under us. Then it would be as simple as initializing the deprogramming of their "one-gear minds." Note: Sabotage of their braking systems will not work as they do not use braking systems in attempt to be "more hardcore" than average riders.

The streets have been turned into battle grounds and it is hard for traditional cyclists to come out of their house's in respectable cycling attire (i.e.: jersey, spandex, helmet, etc.) without being subjected to a barrage of insults and one-gear propaganda. Our children are threatened by these extremists who would probably go so far as to torch the training wheels off a child's bike to teach it to "ride like a man." The attitudes of the fixed gear army are downright despicable and unfortunately this conflict can only be resolved through bloodshed. It's time for cyclists to stand up and fight against the legions of fixed gear radicals. If you don't believe me, see for yourself at your local bike shop. It is becoming increasingly harder to find and purchase a bicycle with more than one gear and with a freewheeling hub. Now, one has to wade through thousands of eBay auctions to find a simple cassette or derailleur since the trend has become a profitable commodity for e-tailers. The true cyclist is a dying breed. Don't say I didn't warn you when you wake up one day and find that it is a crime to operate a bicycle with multiple-gears.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DISTRIBUTE THIS AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN. I FEAR TIME IS RUNNING OUT.


24 comments:

Jeff said...

i laughed all the way through this.
PDX represent!

steven said...

ok... so if i my quot what you just said in your artical, you called every one who rides a fixed gear bicycle a, quote "terrorist bike-nazis, who openly support the destruction of the United States Government through bicycle militias."

so just because i ware a band T'shirt and part of my DBU, means i'm a nazie.
most of my family is inlisted in the miltary and or coast guard. 2 of my uncles are curntly serving in iraq. or if you mean i'm a terriost, because i'm waring my rolled up work pants, on my way to work. then fuck you.
i have an honost job, and work hard for the money i make. and i pay my taxes, regardles of how i feel about the way the governmet spends it.

and yes, i did grow up in the 90's punk rock culture, is it a sin to love the age i grew up in? but that dosent mean i'm "intertwined with the likes of window smashing anarchists and vegan extremists".
just because there is a few over zellious rides out their, who race around, and cause truble, dont give use a bad man.

and there is a conection between a rider and his bike, i built mine from scrach, by my self. i do find a sencs of pride in what created.

what kind or sick mind do you have? quote "The attitudes of the fixed gear army are downright despicable and unfortunately this conflict can only be resolved through bloodshed."
yore also saying people should assualt riders because of the type of bike thay are using?
"Tactics: It is very common to find fixed gear agents performing what is called a "track stand" at intersections to prove their superiority to just about everyone they come in contact with. This is a potential Achilles' Heel due to the limited balance one has while performing a track stand. It should be obvious that this is a good time to strike at them."

"This is a declaration of war."

what is wrong with you? talking about monopolizing an industry to brain wash ppl out of riding fixies,just so a personal vendeta will be satisfyed.
if any one is the nazie, it's you.

i do ride a breakless bike, just so i can be more "hard core" ha. i guess it's a good thing, so i dont pull off from work one day, and get hit by a car because an ass hole like you.

"It's time for cyclists to stand up and fight against the legions of fixed gear radicals."

yet again talking about assulting people you dont even know, buecause of how we get around.
if any thing, i'm helping, i recycled an old rusty bike out of the city dump, striped, sanded and painted it. that "classic bike" wasent worth it's weight in dirt. and for youre infromation i have no pircings or tatto's. and yes i do live in north carolina. 5384 west patterson ave, Winoston Salem. just to help with your sparse data.

if you have something to say. say it to my face.

Steven.

Jussi said...

yo steven, chill out. you were serious, right?

I'm on your side in this and I agree with most of what wrote. Just check out the rest of my blog, ok?

I guess I didn't make that too apparent but I didn't write that 'manifesto', I just posted it from somewhere else because I thought it was quite hilarious. Also, I guess it was supposed to be ironic in the first place.

Gabe L. said...

Hah! Wow, this read made me crack a few smiles, and lit up my very fucking early morning.
Ha, sweet.

Portland!

Max said...

Bwahaha! I've never read something as adroit and self-deprecating towards fixies as that. And on a fixie blog no less.

While it is true that I resent fixie attitude, I keep in mind that we're all achieving the same ends. My bike just has 12 times the fun as yours.

"For only one gear, you sure picked a slow one."

Anonymous said...

whoever wrote this you are an overzealous bitch who thinks what you believe must be correct. did you even stop to think that the fixie riders like me just like the fixie for its simplicity and the joy that we get from ridding them.

Max said...

You must know something I don't.

HAMEZ said...

"if you have something to say. say it to my face."

just checking to see if you were aware that you typed this statement into a computer?

Anonymous said...

Ive got to draw the line with fixies.Ive never seen such a bunch of lemmings in my life.It blows my mind to see such uniform "individualistic" poseurs as the fixie scene.Not since the preppie handbook have i seen such a trend jumping copycat lamos as fixies.Reocuring "individualistic" consistencies such as:skinny jeans just above the knees shorts, retro cycling caps,beards,emo hitler haircuts, bedhead conveniently sculpted disheveled hair, pictures stuck in the spokes,Aerospoke wheels(front wheel only),Messenger bags,bikes Mostly u-locked more than being ridden at the coffee shop.Vegan(organic),etc.. Not only are these unwritten fashion rules but also very fashion over function like tight jeans shorts( very uncomfortable I imagine).Messenger bags(totally useless since they always ride over your hip over to the side causing constant resituating with theback of your arm shoving it on to your back while trying to negotiate cars.never mind how the fact urban cycling demands brakes and gears to effectively out manouver cars and pedestrians. Hard as a rock yet highly coveted Brooks saddles.Do you idiots know how long it takes to break those in?!They're still uncomfortable when broken in, never mind weighing a ton.Its funny how none of them well the lemming purists dont even use clipless pedals! They talk about a simpleminimalist asthetic but I dont know more of a more synergistic ride than with clipless pedals and shoes.Most diehard lemming fixies use very innefective toeclips. Yet they'll never deny anyone how long they can do a trackstand at the traffic light...LAME. I was a bike messenger in Boston in the mid 80's and they were a bunch of elitist crusty losers and now we have the fixie movement. A new generation of kids loose on the street that neither know how to handle such a machine nor know how to ride in coexistence with motorists.This is the fragile truce roadies/ commuters have developed over decades of city riding.Fixie poseurs are pissing off motorists left and right with their cooler than though slalom of idling cars, brakestanding, zig zag braking, trackstand posing, in front of moving cars.Someone has said more than once "hey if it means one less car" or "strength in numbers" yet alienating and promoting road rage with motorists then I say I can do without these pretentious pansy poseurs.

Anonymous said...

people: it's satire. does no one else get it? take a moment, pull your panties out of your asscrack, and go ride a bike. Don't stop to think whether you're better because you ride fixed or with gears.

ajay said...

wow if anyone is the nazzi its this asshole. listen to him he sounds like fuckin hitler. ide fuck someone like this bitch up. i ride fixie i have piercings. what r u gonna do i hate people like you that judge other people you dont no if i saw u on the streets ide beat your ass untill you breath your last! and i no hundreds of people that would do the same you low life peice of shit

Zach said...

First, I'd like to say I ride a fixed gear bike. It's very stereotypical, even. V rims, Oury grips on my too-small handlebars, no brakes, and cards in my spokes. I even have slightly ineffective toe-clips. And I still found this article to be hilarious, but it's nothing to be swinging a u-lock at. The propaganda and hatred from fixed gear hipsters is much more prominent and violent than that of a automobile driver to a bicyclist. Working at an independent bike shop in Eugene (about a hundred miles south of PDX) I hear this on an almost daily basis from my co-workers (who wear high water pants and play bike polo), and sometimes it is much, much worse than this article towards the bikers. Attacking this article (which is one of the first pieces of written disapproval towards bicyclists) is ridiculous, as bike shops everywhere have many books, magazines, and comics stapled to walls with anti-automobile hatred, often becoming very harsh.

We all just need to learn to share the road and quit being egotistical assholes about our selected mode of transportation, because automobiles (as well as bikes) are here to stay.

Anonymous said...

This is for the commenters, not the person who posted.

There's nothing wrong with people riding fixies. We DO feel a connection to our bike. WE stop ourselves; WE pedal harder when we go uphill; WE pedal faster when we want to go faster; and WE pedal slower when we want to go slower. It's simplicity is beautiful. Anyone that has something negative to say about fixed gear bikes is probably just too scared to ride one.

What's so bad about people wanting to express themselves by wearing clothes they like? So what if someone wears tight cut-offs, they're quite confortable, actually. In fact, the majority of fixie riders are in shape, and those cut-offs are very comfortable, especially because there's no big, fat belly hanging ver them. We were band shirts to promote the small and local bands we love, because we care more about what the music has to say then whether or not its got a "sick" beat or catchy "hook". We were cycling hats, because we're cyclists, DUH, and they're actually quite areodynamic, buddy. Traditional hats fly off your head, even if they're on tight. We roll our pant legs up so they dont get dirty or ripped from the chain.

U-locks are incredibly convenient. They're nearly indestructable, and yea they double as protection, we don't have 360 degrees of protection around us.

Most of the messenger bags that are used have a side-strap, mine does :). In fact, it's quite convenient, and they're easily ten times better than a backpack. Backpacks cut off too much arm movement. However, I'm sure, like I, the majority of us have backacks too.

Yes, we enjoy our trackstands. This is so we don't have take our feet out of the toeclips -which make going uphill a lot easier, seeing that we don't have a gas-guzzling engine powering our 15-30lb, 2-wheeled vehicle that apparently makes your life so inconvenient. It's terribly inconvenient to take your foot in and out of your toeclip every single light. God forbid, you move your car 2feet, you poor, lazy bastard.

I am a Vegan.
I ride a Fixed Gear Bike. In fact, I too took an old, unusable road bike, converted it, and saved a bike from being boughten and then another being made to repace that at the store.
I wear cutoffs.
I trackstand at intersections, it makes life easy.
I use a u-bolt becuase I've had 2 bikes stolen using other shitty forms of bike locks.
I use a messenger bag, that has about 350 cubic inches of room, and is weatherproof by the way.
I am a defensive rider -I look more than people driving cars.
I don't have anything negative to say about people who ride geared bikes. Every fixed gear rider starts with gears.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with people riding fixed gear, being vegans, and being trendy. Fuck everyone that has something negative to say, because cyclists would never run you over becuase we were too busy text messaging in our 10-miles-to-the-gallon SUV. Those disgusting celebrities you idolize are trendy and you don't say shit about them. Bottom line is we care. We spread this "propaganda" so other people can realize how nice it is to ride a fixed gear -it's fulfilling. At the end of the day, I know that I consumed less than I produced, unlike the rest of the corporate-driven, egotistical, insensitive, unappreciative, consumers of this Great land.

I am a Graduate student at FSU's Neuroscience program, studying brain tumors so that one day you lazy, drivers who talk on your phone while driving might have some hope.

Anonymous said...

^^^agreed

If you got to know us youd realize that were just a big family. we rag on eachother all the time. its called tough love. we accept all forms of cyclists. yall are just a bunch of big babies.

Anonymous said...

remove your single cog from your asshole
and realize that this is hilarious

don't take yourselves so fucking serious

Anonymous said...

It's clearly a joke. I ride bmx but i dont have a problem with you guys, i only have a problem with anyone if they start it, so all of these pissed off people shouldnt take themselves so seriously, im sure youv made jokes about bmx bikes being for kids so im sure you can take a light hearted article with a pinch of salt

Anonymous said...

People just need to start caring about themselves, and stop caring about what other people do....and maybe we can actually start to change things in this world.

Atleast people who ride "fixed gear" bicycles have a passion about what they do.

Anonymous said...

you're a bitch

William said...

haha i like the fact that hardly anyone who commented could figure out that this was a satirical article and the writer is in no way being serious?

I loved the Sheldon Brown reference, he is such a nice old man!

conscience said...

this is not about content of what was written, its about the words and how you use them.
satire is always good!
even if we find our self in stereotypes. satire is good for such things like someone else is understanding himself as elite or as core of the scene or what ever these words of exclusion want to express - because he is not part of that artefact.

but:::
Hitler is the worst human ever lived on this planet - comparing him to Hipsters is making him less worse - you must know this.
this is not fair to the victims which died under the nazi regime.
A nazi (short for National Socialism is someone who is for Antisemitism, Antikomunism, Antidemocracy - you all know this - please this is serious here, dont call a Hipster a Nazi, this makes again the Nazi less worse - they invented industrial murder - come on how dare you????

we are all Hipsters! ;)

Anonymous said...

Here's another totally serious article: http://bikesnobnyc.blogspot.com/2007/12/genuine-article-reporting-on-fixed-gear.html



*I have never held the official title of any of the jobs mentioned in the above article. However, I do sport velocity rims, two U-Locks, blue hubs, stem, cranks, saddle and some sweet TT bars.

Anonymous said...

I'm sick of getting almost run over each time I go out with my bike.

U-lock justice sounds like an awesome idea because yelling at cars(especially when it's cold) never really got me anywhere.

Anonymous said...

I'm sick of getting almost run over each time I go out with my bike.

U-lock justice sounds like an awesome idea because yelling at cars(especially when it's cold) never really got me anywhere.

Mladen said...

This does seem a bit like it was written by a fixed gear rider.
I don't ride fixed or single gear, but don't mind people who do. It's like whatever works for you man.
Some people percieve it as comedy cycling, and that people who do it, generally lack the knowledge to maintain a bike with gears and other complex functionality.
They're ignoring the fact that these fixie dudes are promoting something real good, which is cycling. If they choose brakeless, helmetless death, or getting their knees fucked up for life, well, that's up to them, right?