Friday, May 22, 2009

Patrick Sullivan Haz A Beach Cruiser

"Fixies Are for Douchebags

Published Thursday, May 21, 2009
Issue 132 / Volume 89

Forgive me if the title “Fixies Are for Douchebags” is too rash - I wanted it to be “Riders of Fixed- Gear Bikes are Skinny Jean Wearing Tools and I Want to Ghost Ride their Bikes off a Cliff,” but, according to the editor, that would be “grossly inappropriate.”

Now let me explain. I have yet to fight anyone over this hatred and, in fact, I have several friends that ride “fixies,” but, as I learned from an early age from the saint that is my mother, just because your friends do something doesn’t make it ok for you to do the same. So let’s attack this problem scientifically.

1. Speed kills.

Now I love Tom Cruise circa Top Gun as much as the next guy, but the “need for speed” died along with Goose in a training mission over Miramar, California. (Too soon?) How quickly do you feel you need to get from your house to class? Now, I am no scientist or anything but how about you leave, say, ten minutes before class and travel at a normal speed on the bike path instead of “taking it to the limit” and zooming by all us regulars on beach cruisers, because you decided to leave 35 seconds before your first class.

2. Brakes are good.

You do know that freshmen ride bikes, right? More specifically, the freshmen girls who have caused, in a conservative estimate, 300,000 bike accidents this year. Yet even with these freshman death seekers on the bike path riding like a drunken Helen Keller, you still feel that it is a good idea to get a bike without brakes. Really? I mean, I’m a little embarrassed for getting a cruiser without fenders for the rain (boy was my face red), but even my cheap ass sprung for some brakes. In fact, why would one even invent a bike without brakes? I’d like to hit a wiffle ball at that guy’s balls (wiffle ball + nuts= comic genius).

3. You don’t look cool.

I understand that you want to express yourself, but dropping $1,000 to make sure that your rims match your handle bar grips isn’t going to bring back your girlfriend. In fact, neither are those skinny black jeans or that Affliction T-shirt. She left you because you look like a pre-pubescent girl, and because a sexy 6’3”, athletic stud, who is far wittier than you, and who likely has a bigger Johnson, just rode by on a shitty black beach cruiser of which she is very sure he doesn’t give a shit about. (Oh, what’s up ladies? Why yes, I am single.)

In closing, I will leave you with a recent, yet very fond, memory that I formed while wandering drunk in downtown Denver. A typical fixie rider was attempting to ride his bike home drunk, and after pedaling once, proceeded to lose his balance and eat shit in the middle of the street. After making sure he was alright and watching him shamefully walk away with a mangled fixie on his shoulder, my friends and I, as well as a few policemen standing nearby, had a solid chuckle. Which brings me to my final point: you can’t ride a fixie drunk but those beach cruisers practically ride themselves home (I know from experience. Haha, just kidding… seriously though).

So beware fixed-gear fairies, because if I ever catch up to one of you guys riding by at mach-3 like you’re Lance Armstrong, I will not hesitate to test your backwards pedaling skills as I careen all over the bike path like the freshman girl that I am at heart (Did I say that out loud?… Oh god).

Patrick Sullivan is a third-year bio-psychology major."


jonz said...

hmm.. so let's get the facts straight, Patrick Sullivan likes to ride his bike slow, places great importance on the material value of appearance, and mentions johnson size and testicles every 2 paragraphs.
And he doesn't have a girlfriend?

Maxwell said...

and he called himself a girl.

Joseph said...

What I can't understand is all the animosity towards people who "choose" to ride these types of bikes. Why can't more people just embrace the fact that they are getting out there in the open world "doing something" instead of spending countless hours in front of a television wasting away on horrible programming. I ride a "fixie" and yes I admit that it is in a sense "trendy"... but to be honest, if that is what it took for me to get out there to do something physical, then so be it. I truly believe that if you want to get a message out there, regardless of whatever means, so be it. the message should be, "Give back to the environment, do something that is rewarding to yourself, GET ON A BIKE"... Instead of hating, just accept it, we're all doing something positive here... you sound like you're still in high school hating on any other crowd that you're not a part of. Let it go.

Jeff said...

People only show hatred towards things when they can't do it as well as anyone else, or are jealous because it over shadows them.

patrick sullivan may be a 3rd year bio major, but that doesn't change the fact that he's still an ignorant fool who can't write a proper hate passage. considering he filled it with his opinions instead of facts.

Anonymous said...

Not only did I already graduate college and get a sweet job, but I ride home drunk all the time on my absurdly expensive fixie, have a smoking hot girlfriend, a giant penis, and I live in a place with an actual beach to cruise, unlike lame ass Denver. (no offense to 685, he's cool)


This made me laugh!

don BLANCO said...

This boys hella stupid the only reason why hes hating is because his ass dont know how to ride a fixed. People like to hate on things they dont know shit about. The whole thing with fixie riders wearing tight jeans is a stereotype. Each rider has their own individual style in which they bring with them when they ride. And the whole girl talk thing, common boy if you had a girl she be rubbin her clit while I be doin keo spins. Come see me I live in San Jose Cali if you got problems and ill show you how fixie riders get down.

don BLANCO said...

Oh and to add on Im a college grad myself and I ride drunk all the time. I guess some cant handle their liquor even though it only takes him 2 bud lights to get faded.